4-5-99. The Pilots Seat is commentary, written from a fan's perspective, about the Pensacola Ice Pilots
by Scott Gregory
(Deafening applause.)
Thank you, thank you. Welcome to the first Pilots Seat Postseason Awards. I'm glad you all could make it here tonight. I'm your emcee, Scott Gregory.
I'm sorry to say that Pilots management couldn't be here tonight -- they're out buying half a professional lacrosse league in Kansas.
The Pilots might have lost 41 games -- tied for seventh-most all-time in the ECHL -- finished dead last in the standings and led the league in both fewest goals scored and most goals allowed, but that's not to say they're not heading home with hardware!
And now ... wait a minute ... Coach Pedersen thinks he's Roberto Benigni and is standing on the back of his chair. And he's waving his voodoo doll at me. No, no coach, please sit down and stop screaming ... this is a bad striped tux I'm wearing, not a referee's jersey. Honest.
Without further ado, the 1999 Pilots Seat Postseason Awards:
The I'll Take Moline, Ill., In the Dead of Winter Over Miami Anyday Award: To Kelly Hultgren, for refusing to report to the Matadors after his trade from Pensacola and eventually ending up in the balmy Quad Cities.
The I'll Pull Your Husk Off and Ram It Up Your $#@%%&&& If You Look At Me That Way Again, You &^&& &@$ Ear of Corn Award: To enforcer Calvin Crowe, for stating on the radio how much he loved playing in Pensacola, then packing his bags and leaving the next day to quit hockey and go to work at the family farm.
The Leslie Nielsen "We're Not Going to Rest for One Minute Until We Find Out Who Did This to Your Husband -- Now Let's Get Some Lunch" Award: To Joe Bucchino, for vowing to clean house days before the All-Star Break and stating fans will need a roster to tell all the new faces in a few days, then adding just one new player.
The May We All Be This Strong When Life Crosschecks Us Award: To Etienne Beaudry, for going about life with a smile on his face after the news of his leukemia. Keep the attitude up, Etienne. Attitude does make a difference. We're all thinking of you and looking forward to your healthy return.
The I Don't Give a Rip What Your Name is, You're Not Going to Be On This Team Much Longer, Anyway Award: To Keli Corpse, who had to miss a game because Coach Al Pedersen got his name wrong on the scorecard.
The I Think He Even Scored a Point in a Few Games the Pilots Were Shut Out Award: To Mike Sullivan, who overcame a slow start and early injury to contribute to the scoring column, game in and game out.
The It's Better to Look Good than to Play Hockey ... Good Award: To Pilots pinup Shane Calder, who can play a mean game of hockey when he puts his mind to it, but doesn't often put his mind to it.
The We Messed Up, So You Pay for It By Playing Hockey Where No One Will See You Award: To Eon MacFarlane, unfairly banished to Miami's empty arena as compensation to the Matadors after Hultgren refused to report.
The Chicago Cubs Fans Beaten Dog Award: To Pilots fans, sixth in the league in attendance, who kept coming to games no matter how many horrible things happened to their team on and off the ice.
The Lead by Example/How to Be a Good Fan Award: To ex-Pilot punching bag Drew Rodgers, for coming back to see his old team play on Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday and allegedly throwing a beer and his beer cup at New Orleans Brass players.
The We Did This to Sell Albums But Ended Up With a Night We'll Never Forget Award: To rocker Christian Sbrocca, a popular ex-Pilot who returned for a few games, and Pierre Gendron, Pilots forward and Sbrocca's assistant manager/buddy. They rocked the powerhouse Louisiana Ice Gators, with Gendron scoring four goals, and Sbrocca adding a score and an assist. Sbrocca's album is "My Script," and that night's script couldn't have been better.
The We're In Danger of Climbing Out of the ECHL Cellar -- What Can We Do to Stop This? Award: To Pilots coaches, who cost the team a 10-point penalty in the standings because at least one coach had improper involvement with a player fund in violation of league rules.
The Ironman Award: To retiring captain Chad Quenneville, who had played
every game in Pilots history.
The Why Didn't I Do Myself and My Career a Favor and Get Out When I Had the Chance? Award: To Pedersen, whom the organization all but begged to stay last summer, then coached the talented-on-paper Pilots to one of the worst seasons in league history.
The "Hey, I Guess My Playing Career Isn't Over After All, See Ya" Award: To Bob Wilkie, who spent most of the year on the Pilots' injured list, but whose back healed enough to play hockey again and carry his luggage to the airport to go elsewhere.
The Best Impression of Jack Nicholson Without Pulling the Hairline Back Award: To normally reserved goaltender Darrin "The Ax" Madeley, for leaving the crease Friday to raise his stick a la Jack in "The Shining" and threatening to behead loudmouth Birmingham coach Dennis Desrosiers.
© Scott Gregory. All Rights Reserved. Gregory is a Pilots season
ticket holder from Navarre. He is a former Florida Gators football beat writer and sports editor for Copley Newspapers. He can be reached at scott@thefivehole.com. Comments are always welcome.
